An acquaintance of mine once told
me the following story.
When I was a student at Moscow I
happened to live alongside one of those ladies whose repute is questionable.
She was a Pole, and they called her Teresa. She was a tallish, powerfully-built
brunette, with black, bushy eyebrows and a large coarse face as if carved out
by a hatchet--the bestial gleam of her dark eyes, her thick bass voice, her
cabman-like gait and her immense muscular vigour, worthy of a fishwife,
inspired me with horror. I lived on the top flight and her garret was opposite
to mine. I never left my door open when I knew her to be at home. But this,
after all, was a very rare occurrence. Sometimes I chanced to meet her on the
staircase or in the yard, and she would smile upon me with a smile which seemed
to me to be sly and cynical. Occasionally, I saw her drunk, with bleary eyes,
tousled hair, and a particularly hideous grin. On such occasions she would
speak to me.
"How d'ye do, Mr.
Student!" and her stupid laugh would still further intensify my loathing
of her. I should have liked to have changed my quarters in order to have
avoided such encounters and greetings; but my little chamber was a nice one,
and there was such a wide view from the window, and it was always so quiet in the
street below--so I endured.
And one morning I was sprawling on
my couch, trying to find some sort of excuse for not attending my class, when
the door opened, and the bass voice of Teresa the loathsome resounded from my
threshold:
"Good health to you, Mr.
Student!"
"What do you want?" I
said. I saw that her face was confused and supplicatory... It was a very
unusual sort of face for her.
"Sir! I want to beg a favour
of you. Will you grant it me?"
I lay there silent, and thought to
myself:
"Gracious!... Courage, my
boy!"
"I want to send a letter home,
that's what it is," she said; her voice was beseeching, soft, timid.
"Deuce take you!" I
thought; but up I jumped, sat down at my table, took a sheet of paper, and
said:
"Come here, sit down, and
dictate!"
She came, sat down very gingerly on
a chair, and looked at me with a guilty look.
"Well, to whom do you want to
write?"
"To Boleslav Kashput, at the
town of Svieptziana, on the Warsaw Road..."
"Well, fire away!"
"My dear Boles ... my darling
... my faithful lover. May the Mother of God protect thee! Thou heart of gold,
why hast thou not written for such a long time to thy sorrowing little dove,
Teresa?"
I very nearly burst out laughing.
"A sorrowing little dove!" more than five feet high, with fists a
stone and more in weight, and as black a face as if the little dove had lived
all its life in a chimney, and had never once washed itself! Restraining myself
somehow, I asked:
"Who is this Bolest?"
"Boles, Mr. Student," she
said, as if offended with me for blundering over the name, "he is
Boles--my young man."
"Young man!"
"Why are you so surprised,
sir? Cannot I, a girl, have a young man?"
She? A girl? Well!
"Oh, why not?" I said.
"All things are possible. And has he been your young man long?"
"Six years."
"Oh, ho!" I thought.
"Well, let us write your letter..."
And I tell you plainly that I would
willingly have changed places with this Boles if his fair correspondent had
been not Teresa but something less than she.
"I thank you most heartily,
sir, for your kaind services," said Teresa to me, with a curtsey.
"Perhaps I can show you some service, eh?"
"No, I most humbly thank you
all the same."
"Perhaps, sir, your shirts or
your trousers may want a little mending?"
I felt that this mastodon in
petticoats had made me grow quite red with shame, and I told her pretty sharply
that I had no need whatever of her services.
She departed.
A week or two passed away. It was
evening. I was sitting at my window whistling and thinking of some expedient
for enabling me to get away from myself. I was bored; the weather was dirty. I
didn't want to go out, and out of sheer ennui I began a course of self-analysis
and reflection. This also was dull enough work, but I didn't care about doing
anything else. Then the door opened. Heaven be praised! Some one came in.
"Oh, Mr. Student, you have no
pressing business, I hope?"
It was Teresa. Humph!
"No. What is it?"
"I was going to ask you, sir,
to write me another letter."
"Very well! To Boles,
eh?"
"No, this time it is from
him."
"Wha-at?"
"Stupid that I am! It is not
for me, Mr. Student, I beg your pardon. It is for a friend of mine, that is to
say, not a friend but an acquaintance--a man acquaintance. He has a sweetheart
just like me here, Teresa. That's how it is. Will you, sir, write a letter to
this Teresa?"
I looked at her--her face was
troubled, her fingers were trembling. I was a bit fogged at first--and then I
guessed how it was.
"Look here, my lady," I
said, "there are no Boleses or Teresas at all, and you've been telling me
a pack of lies. Don't you come sneaking about me any longer. I have no wish
whatever to cultivate your acquaintance. Do you understand?"
And suddenly she grew strangely
terrified and distraught; she began to shift from foot to foot without moving
from the place, and spluttered comically, as if she wanted to say something and
couldn't. I waited to see what would come of all this, and I saw and felt that,
apparently, I had made a great mistake in suspecting her of wishing to draw me
from the path of righteousness. It was evidently something very different.
"Mr. Student!" she began,
and suddenly, waving her hand, she turned abruptly towards the door and went
out. I remained with a very unpleasant feeling in my mind. I listened. Her door
was flung violently to--plainly the poor wench was very angry... I thought it
over, and resolved to go to her, and, inviting her to come in here, write
everything she wanted.
I entered her apartment. I looked
round. She was sitting at the table, leaning on her elbows, with her head in
her hands.
"Listen to me," I said.
Now, whenever I come to this point
in my story, I always feel horribly awkward and idiotic. Well, well!
"Listen to me," I said.
She leaped from her seat, came
towards me with flashing eyes, and laying her hands on my shoulders, began to
whisper, or rather to hum in her peculiar bass voice:
"Look you, now! It's like
this. There's no Boles at all, and there's no Teresa either. But what's that to
you? Is it a hard thing for you to draw your pen over paper? Eh? Ah, and you,
too! Still such a little fair-haired boy! There's nobody at all, neither Boles,
nor Teresa, only me. There you have it, and much good may it do you!"
"Pardon me!" said I,
altogether flabbergasted by such a reception, "what is it all about?
There's no Boles, you say?"
"No. So it is."
"And no Teresa either?"
"And no Teresa. I'm
Teresa."
I didn't understand it at all. I
fixed my eyes upon her, and tried to make out which of us was taking leave of
his or her senses. But she went again to the table, searched about for
something, came back to me, and said in an offended tone:
"If it was so hard for you to
write to Boles, look, there's your letter, take it! Others will write for
me."
I looked. In her hand was my letter
to Boles. Phew!
"Listen, Teresa! What is the
meaning of all this? Why must you get others to write for you when I have
already written it, and you haven't sent it?"
"Sent it where?"
"Why, to this--Boles."
"There's no such person."
I absolutely did not understand it.
There was nothing for me but to spit and go. Then she explained.
"What is it?" she said,
still offended. "There's no such person, I tell you," and she
extended her arms as if she herself did not understand why there should be no
such person. "But I wanted him to be... Am I then not a human creature
like the rest of them? Yes, yes, I know, I know, of course... Yet no harm was
done to any one by my writing to him that I can see..."
"Pardon me--to whom?"
"To Boles, of course."
"But he doesn't exist."
"Alas! alas! But what if he
doesn't? He doesn't exist, but he might! I write to him, and it looks as
if he did exist. And Teresa--that's me, and he replies to me, and then I write
to him again..."
I understood at last. And I felt so
sick, so miserable, so ashamed, somehow. Alongside of me, not three yards away,
lived a human creature who had nobody in the world to treat her kindly,
affectionately, and this human being had invented a friend for herself!
"Look, now! you wrote me a
letter to Boles, and I gave it to some one else to read it to me; and when they
read it to me I listened and fancied that Boles was there. And I asked you to
write me a letter from Boles to Teresa--that is to me. When they write such a
letter for me, and read it to me, I feel quite sure that Boles is there. And
life grows easier for me in consequence."
"Deuce take you for a
blockhead!" said I to myself when I heard this.
And from thenceforth, regularly,
twice a week, I wrote a letter to Boles, and an answer from Boles to Teresa. I
wrote those answers well... She, of course, listened to them, and wept like
anything, roared, I should say, with her bass voice. And in return for my thus
moving her to tears by real letters from the imaginary Boles, she began to mend
the holes I had in my socks, shirts, and other articles of clothing. Subsequently,
about three months after this history began, they put her in prison for
something or other. No doubt by this time she is dead.
My acquaintance shook the ash from
his cigarette, looked pensively up at the sky, and thus concluded:
Well, well, the more a human
creature has tasted of bitter things the more it hungers after the sweet things
of life. And we, wrapped round in the rags of our virtues, and regarding others
through the mist of our self-sufficiency, and persuaded of our universal
impeccability, do not understand this.
And the whole thing turns out
pretty stupidly--and very cruelly. The fallen classes, we say. And who are the
fallen classes, I should like to know? They are, first of all, people with the
same bones, flesh, and blood and nerves as ourselves. We have been told this
day after day for ages. And we actually listen--and the devil only knows how
hideous the whole thing is. Or are we completely depraved by the loud
sermonising of humanism? In reality, we also are fallen folks, and, so far as I
can see, very deeply fallen into the abyss of self-sufficiency and the
conviction of our own superiority. But enough of this. It is all as old as the
hills--so old that it is a shame to speak of it. Very old indeed--yes, that's
what it is!
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